You've GOT to be Kidding Me
by Qbert12
Summary: After getting dumped by Jules and injured in a grenade blast, Sam isn't sure his week could get worse. Then he finds a baby on his doorstep. Sam Whump, eventually.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: The Q*bert is back with more Sam Whump! This one has to be one of my favorites. **

**I'm so happy with all the Reviews that my past stories have gotten. Please continue with those!**

**Forgive any mistakes and enjoy the story!**

*End Authors Note.*

_You've GOT to be kidding me_

_By Q*bert_

It was a dark night; the moon was covered by the clouds, even most of the stars were hidden. It fit in perfectly with her sadness. Tonight was the night that she and baby Georgia had to separate.

She was Cecily Hendrix. She was mother to Georgia May Hendrix, and her ex-husband was Peter Hendrix. She had to send her baby away for a bit; her ex-husband, Peter, had been sending her multiple threats ever since Cecily had won full custody of Georgia. Cecily was just hiding Georgia for now; she would come back as soon as all this settled down.

She wasn't just dropping her child at a random place. She knew Sam; awhile back, about a year, Cecily had been dating Peter, but Sam had heard nothing but bad things about him and warned her about him, telling her that she could do better than him and that there was a high chance that he would abuse her, but Cecily didn't listen. She had gotten married to Peter and moved away. Sam was right, Peter abused her. After Georgia was born, she divorced him and won full custody of Georgia. Now he was threatening Cecily and the baby, and she knew that this was the best choice.

She picked up her baby one more time and kissed her. "I'll be back soon, sweetie. Uncle Sam will take good care of you," Cecily promised, putting her baby back into the carriage.

Then she rang the doorbell and left.

* * *

"Alright, Mister Braddock, you're good to go." The doctor handed Sam some pain meds and finished his sentence. "Come back next week for a checkup and a cast change."

"Okay, thank you," Sam answered, relieved to be released from the hospital. He had been injured in a grenade blast, but luckily managed to escape with only a broken arm.

He quickly got into his car and drove off towards his home. He had been feeling down all day; he and Jules had fought earlier, over what he couldn't even remember anymore, and Jules had dumped him. Within an hour later, Sam had been injured in a grenade blast, which hadn't helped his mood much.

Finally reaching home, Sam hung his keys up on his key rack and kicked off his shoes. He went to the kitchen, in hopes of cooking something for dinner, but it was hard doing it one handed, so he ordered pizza.

After eating two slices of pizza and downing a beer, Sam put away the rest of the pizza and went to his bedroom to change.

He managed to change into a pair of sweatpants but kept on his white shirt from earlier. Moving his around too much hurt badly.

As he laid back in his bed, he stared at his phone, trying to decide whether or not to call Jules. He finally decided to do it tomorrow, when he was more awake.

So he turned off his lamp and went to sleep.

* * *

_Ding, dong!_

"Ugh…" Sam moaned, literally rolling out of bed. Landing on his bad arm, he hissed in pain, but his mind immediately went off his pain. Who the heck was visiting him at three thirty in the morning? Couldn't be Jules coming to apologize for the hurtful words that were exchanged earlier. Maybe she felt guilty that, within an hour of the fight, Sam had been caught in a grenade blast that chipped the bone in his right arm. Luckily, it was all the damage he took. But it still couldn't have been Jules. That night Jules went to go and stay with her father for his birthday. If Jules was that sorry, she would have called.

Rummaging through his mind for anyone who could be checking on him at that hour, and failing to come up with anyone, Sam was at the door, looking through the peephole.

No one was there.

Maybe I imagined it, Sam thought. I might have some head injury or something from the fall, he decided, turning around to head back to bed.

That's when he heard it: the faint sound of a baby crying.

Sam froze on the spot, wondering if he was imagining things again, but then he heard it again, getting louder and louder with each and every wail.

Finally Sam turned around and came back to the door, opening his door and confirming his fears.

It was 3:30 AM.

And there was a baby on his doorstep.

**A/N: Yes! New story! HAPPINESS IS MINE!**

**Review, they are what updates are made out of! **


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Finally! I got off my lazy butt and started writing the next chapter! I GET A GOLD STAR!  
**

**Forgive any mistakes and enjoy the next chapter!**

*End Authors Note.*

"Nuh uh."

Sam stared down at the infant in front of him. "No way," he said, looking up at the sky. He wasn't sure if there was a God, but if there was, Sam hoped he would hear him."_Seriously?_" Sam complained. He was going to be on the disabled list at work, was recently single, and now this? When Sam had wondered if his week could have gotten worse, it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge!

Surrendering with a sigh, Sam picked up the carriage and took the poor kid inside.

Sam picked the baby up from it's carriage and cradled it in his arms-or arm, considering one shot with pain whenever he put pressure on it. "Shh...it's okay, don't cry. Shh..." He soothed, trying to think of something to do.

He searched for anything in the refrigerator he could feed the baby, and decided to heat up some milk and give that to the crying infant.

After heating up the calcium-filled substance, Sam's next battle was to find something similar to a sipping cup or a baby bottle to put it in-and failed to do so.

So he decided the best way to do this was to spoon feed it to her-and surprisingly enough, it worked.

Then came the time to burp her.

Sam awkwardly put the baby over his shoulder and patting it's back gingerly, as if afraid her might hurt the child, which was totally possible, considering how muscular the ex JTF2 was.

It didn't take long for the child to puke all over Sam's back, causing it to stop crying, and also causing Sam to mentally take an oath to never, ever become a parent purposely. He could handle corpses, shooting people without a second thought, explosions, and lots and lots of blood, but couldn't handle puke. That was his one weakness.

After sitting down on the couch and rocking the baby back and forth in Sam's arms, the baby fell asleep, and Sam was grateful. This meant he could finally get some rest. Not to mention a clean shirt, too.

Gently putting the baby back into it's respective carriage, Sam walked into his room and put the carriage carrying the tired baby girl in a chair near Sam's bed. Then he took twenty minutes of his time to change into a clean shirt, tossing the dirty one into a laundry basket.

After checking the clock, which read 4:32 AM, Sam curled up under his blanket and fell asleep, praying for no more interruptions.

* * *

"_WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"_

"Ugh..." Sam moaned, rolling over on his bed to check his alarm clock. Then he remembered he didn't set an alarm, because he didn't have to get up to go to work that morning. What had woken him up?

Oh, yeah. The baby. It came back to him now.

The break-up, the explosion, the hospital, and the baby. Sam wanted to go back to being it only 7:14, but the baby girl had other plans. "_WAHHHHH!_"

Sam decided that he didn't have a choice but to get up. So he did, making his way over to the crying baby and one-handedly picking her up and holding her. After her crying died down, Sam and the baby made their way into the kitchen to find breakfast for the both of them.

After searching his cabinets and the refrigerator, Sam asked the young girl, "Cheerios sound okay?"

Sitting a his counter holding a bowl of dry cereal in front of the baby girl in his lap, Sam dialed Ed's home phone number, in hopes of talking to Sophie for advice from a mom. Only the voice on the other end wasn't Sophie Lane's. "_Hello?_" The male voice on the other end asked.

"Hey, Ed. It's Sam," Sam answered, sandwiching the cellphone in between his ear and shoulder while he fixed the baby's position in his lap.

"_Hey, Sam. What's up? How's the arm?"_ Ed's voice greeted.

"Arm is better, but still hurts like heck," Sam admitted. "Is Sophie there?"

"_Sophie and Clark are visiting my in-laws,"_ Ed replied. "_Why? I__s something wrong?_"

"I'm in a bit of a situation," Sam admitted, pouring more cereal into the bowl in front of him. "And I need some advice."

"_Well, I'm always right here-_"

"From a mom."

From the other end, Ed paused. "_Have you tried Shelly? Maybe she can help,_" Ed suggested.

"I'll do that, thanks," Sam said, once again shifting the baby's position.

"_No problem, Sam." _And with that, Ed ended the call.

After calling Wordy to find out if Shelly could possibly help him, Sam had the number dialed on his phone, but hesitated before he hit the send button.

The number belonged to his parents.

A gruff voice answered from the other end of the line. "_Braddock_," the man said.

Sam sat up straight, even though he knew his father couldn't see him. "Sir," he said simply.

"Son," The General said, his voice rough. "_Have you finally changed your mind about my offer?_" He asked.

Avoiding the question but not surprised it was asked, Sam answered, "may I talk to mom, Sir?"

"_Ah, still sticking to that wimpy cop job I see? And still avoiding my offer to take you back into the field? Where you _belong_?_"

"Please, Sir, may I speak to mother?"

"_Father knows best, son, how come you won't accept my offer?_"

"I belong in the SRU," Sam answered, frustrated. "Can I _please _talk to mom?" Sam begged.

The General let out a sigh of disgust. "_Feel free to call back when you've changed your mind, son._"

Then he hung up. On his own son.

Angrily, Sam tossed his phone onto the couch and picked up the baby, remembering the hard way that he couldn't use his right arm. Muttering curses under his breath, he went to plan D.

Google.

After getting a list of everything he needed to take care of a baby, he grabbed his phone and put it in his pocket, put the baby in her carriage, and left for wal-mart.

* * *

Getting all the pretty ladies should have made Sam happy, but it only made him miss Jules.

While he was checking out the items, a group of girls saw the baby girl and walked over, cooing over the child. "Aww..." they said in unison.

"How old is she?" A pretty girl, about mid-twenties asked Sam, eyes still on the baby girl.

"About six months," Sam guessed, and guessing by the girl's strength and ability to eat the cereal Sam had given her that morning by herself, Sam guessed that six months was at least the minimum.

Smiling, a blonde girl asked the next question. "What's her name?"

Sam struggled to find an answer as he paid the cashier. "Um..." Sam stared down at the baby. "Chloe."

"Aw!" Said the girls in unison.

Finally, Sam had released Chloe from the ladies' cooing and headed home.

And when Sam got home, he took a deep breath and said "uh oh."

**A/N: Not much of a cliffie...**

**Review!**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I have returned! YES. WOOHOO. WHOOP. WHOOP.**

**Shout out to my reviewers:  
**

**Buckeye am I (Dedicated reviewer to all my FP stories :D Thanks a bunch!)**

**Daughterofthemosthigh (Fellow Sam fanatic and dedicated reviewer to all my FP stories!)**

**Ealasaid Una (Another dedicated reviewer :))**

**Kaekoa (You can laugh, and thanks ;D)**

**KevinxoShelley (Thanks for all your awesome reviews to my stories :))**

**Sewtunes (:D Thanks!)**

**Forgive any mistakes and enjoy the next chapter!**

*End Authors Note.*

_I have no idea what I'm doing._

The thought went over and over in Sam's head as he stared down at the baby in front of him. He would go to Google but his phone was dead, and he couldn't just walk out of the bathroom to get his laptop and be like "Hang on a sec."

It was at that moment in time that Sam wished that the diapers came with an instruction manual.

But, nope. Sam was going to have to figure it out by himself.

Breathe in, breathe out. Actually, forget the breathe in part. _Ew_.

Gingerly, as if he was diffusing a bomb, Sam undid Chloe's diaper. Wincing at the sight, he took the soiled diaper away and rolled it up slightly, then, like he was handling a bomb, dropped it in the trashcan.

Taking out a baby wipe from the dispenser, Sam gingerly cleaned up the baby and (sloppily) put on a fresh diaper. Putting Chloe in a cute pink outfit he bought at the store, Sam took Chloe out into the living room.

On the way there, Sam looked down at Chloe. "Who's your parents, Chloe? Hm? Where did you come from?" He wondered, whispering.

Settling the baby in his lap on the couch, Sam turned on Netflix and searched through the 'recommended for you' section.

After a few episodes of "Star Trek: Enterprise," Sam looked down at the giggling little girl he was holding. "You have the eyes of a girl I used to know..." Sam said. "Her name was Cecily. She ran off with a guy named Peter, even though he had a bad reputation." Sam thought for a second. "Could it be..."

"No, no, Cecily moved away years ago. I probably was wrong. Cecily is probably as happy as can be." Sam then stared up at the TV and started another episode of Star Trek.

* * *

Cecily Hendrix was washing dishes in her kitchen when someone knocked on the front door of her house. Putting the plate she was washing back into her sink, she walked to the door and opened it. On her welcome mat was someone who was most definitely not welcome. "Y-you can't be here," Cecily said to the man standing across from her. "I-I have a restraining order-"

"I want my baby," Peter threatened, trying to get inside the small apartment.

"I don't have her," Cecily said truthfully. "Please leave."

Peter pushed by Cecily and started searching through the apartment. "Where is she?" He demanded.

"I don't have her, Peter!" Cecily insisted.

"Where is she, then?" Peter demanded. "WHERE IS MY DAUGHTER?"

"I won't say," Cecily said defiantly.

Peter grabbed Cecily by the shirt, causing her to gasp. "Where. Is. My. Daughter?"

Cecily started to breathe fast. "Sh-she's at a friends house."

"What is the address," Peter demanded.

When Cecily didn't answer, Peter tightened his grip. "Tell me, darn it!"

After a minutes hesitation, Cecily answered. "77 Underwood avenue."

Without another word, Peter left, leaving Cecily on her knees, sobbing on the floor.

**A/N: Dun dun dunnnnn! Cliffhanger! I know it's short...I apologize...**

**Review, maybe?**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: I returned! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!  
**

**Shout out to my reviewers:**

**Buckeye am I**

**Daughterofthemosthigh**

**Guest**

**H (guest)**

**Kaekoa**

**KevinxoShelley**

**Sewtunes**

**Forgive any mistakes and enjoy the next chapter!**

*End Authors Note.*

_BANG, BANG, BANG._

Sam had just put Chloe to sleep when he heard someone banging on the door. Wishing they would knock quieter so they wouldn't wake up Chloe, he went to the door and opened it, blinking at who he saw. "Peter?" Sam asked in awe.

Peter also looked surprised at who he saw, but he didn't hesitate from demanding, "Give me my baby."

But Sam knew better. He was a cop, after all. "Wait a second, Peter-"

But Peter wasn't going to wait a second. Pulling out a gun and cocking it, he demanded again, "give me my baby. Now."

Glancing down at the gun for a second, Sam used his good hand to point the gun away from Sam and the gun discharged, and Sam struggled to get the gun from Peter's grip.

Peter brought his knee hard into Sam's ribs, causing him to yelp and stumble back, and the gun fell to the floor. Peter dove for it, but Sam beat him to the punch, grabbing it and was about to raise it when Peter lunged at Sam and there was another wrestle for the gun. The gun went off again, this time the bullet entered Sam's mid-section and Sam stumbled back again, gazing down at the recent wound in his stomach that was bleeding profusely.

But Peter didn't stop there. he shoved Sam against his counter, twisted his bad arm behind his back, and shoved him over the counter and Sam landed on his head on his kitchen floor.

The last things he heard was Chloe crying before he let himself pass out.

**A/N: IT'S SO SHORT! I'M SO SORRY! But the team get's involved in the next chapter!**

**Review? Flames will be used to make cookies. Mm...cookies...**


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